I’ve been sick with a nasty cold for six days now. It started as a scratchy throat last Sunday night, segued into a stuffed nose by Wednesday, and by Thursday morning my head felt like a New York parade balloon; I had to call in sick. Friday I went to work, even though my nose was still totally blocked and the cold was working its way into my chest. All day Friday I sat at my desk under florescent lights with my headphones on, typing, answering the phone, and trying not to fall down whenever I had to get up. By 3:00 p.m. my asthma had kicked in and I was having trouble breathing, which made me very weak and light-headed. I should have been home in bed. But I wasn’t, because I was afraid to call in sick two days in a row.
The last three weeks have not been great ones for work attendance either by me or the law clerk that works with me. Both of her kids got sick, then she got sick; my youngest had a fever for six days and missed an entire week of school (my husband and I split that time); my middle daughter had to go to the hospital with a sprained elbow and was home for a day; my oldest was off for a day with a sprained ankle. And then I got sick. Between the two of us I think we’ve missed a total of six, maybe seven, days in the last three weeks. Yes that’s a lot, but also very unusual; I have never had such a cluster of absences in 20 years. Some may say our employers had every right to be annoyed, and I agree. But it doesn’t follow that your commitment to your job should be up for question when difficulties with your personal life arise.
Corporate mentality treats sick days like vacation days, which makes no sense to me. A vacation is a choice. Your vacation day amount is a benefit of your job, you know the number up front and you plan accordingly. But no-one plans to get sick, so how can you put a limit on the number of sick days an employee is allowed to take? Now yes, I get the point, they will pay for so many days, with the understanding that any more than that needed and they will be without pay. But I have never known anyone to go over those days and just get a friendly reminder that they have run out of sick day benefit, with a head’s up that now they are on their own time. No, there is always a memo, or worse, a meeting, firmly pointing out that your sick days are used up and expressing the assumption that you will not be taking any more time in the near future. The insinuation seems to be that you are malingering, which most of the time is totally unfair. The other insinuation is that the security of your job may be in jeopardy due to your unacceptably extended absence, which is a flagrant attempt at manipulation through fear and, I have always felt, an abuse of power.
There have always been employees who seem to have an unusual number of illness, ailing relatives and cars that won’t start, who miss way more than their share of company-allotted sick days, but they are usually easy to spot and don’t last long. But for an honest employee to hear, “You’ve missed a lot of time lately, and we’re a little concerned” - there is in such a comment the barely-veiled threat that you are in danger of losing your job. Why would any employer want to put such stress on someone already dealing with difficulties they have no control over? Unless it's to scare their employees into showing up for work even when sick, so they aren't paying them without getting some work out of them for the money.
Personally, I have never understood the North American work ethic. The idea that your job should come before all else in your life is ridiculous. I don’t know about other professions, but in law firms this ideology is rampant and the stress of trying to live up to this idea is likely what’s causing everyone’s illnesses in the first place. A friend of mine has so many illnesses and medical conditions I am amazed she can still get out of bed every day – that is one lady who could probably legitimately qualify for long-term stress leave and never return to work again. But up she gets every day, driven by debt and fear of losing her job, even though the stress just might literally be killing her. At my last firm, a new junior litigation lawyer who was being mentored by my lawyer started suffering migraines three months after being hired, and missed so many days the secretaries couldn’t believe she hadn’t been fired yet. Her doctor told her the migraines were being caused by work stress, so she requested that she be transferred to a less demanding department. Perfectly reasonable request, and she should be applauded for making the decision and taking care of herself – it was a very courageous step, being both a new hire and a female lawyer, to tell the higher-ups that she couldn’t handle her position. But no, my lawyer was angry that she was leaving, and made that poor woman’s life a living hell until the transfer date. No-one was foolhardy enough to suggest that perhaps my lawyer had driven her to the migraines and the decision to quit in the first place, but trust me, we were all thinking it. By the way, I don’t work there anymore either, and she treated me the same way when I handed in my notice. I heard the secretary that replaced me has a real “attitude” and argues with her constantly – that’s a shame.
I had a run-in with this sick day nonsense about 12 years ago. When I was pregnant with my second child, the pregnancy was very difficult and I went over my sick days. I got called in for “the talk” – they said if I missed any more days my position would have to be reviewed. That’s lawyer-speak for “miss one more day and your ass is grass.” No-one cared about my physical condition, or offered to discuss any solutions - just a threat to shape up, or else. Fortunately I was near my due date so managed to get through the rest of it without further absences, but it put a huge amount of pressure on me. And then a week after I returned, they announced they were letting me go because in their opinion, my attitude was not reflective of the teamwork environment – whatever the hell that meant. I was furious, and for once stood up to them on it. I said if that was how they felt, they should have told me before I left. That way I would have been able to go on my paid leave and had nine months to look for a different job. Instead, they waited until I got back because it suited THEM – they were afraid of being sued for wrongful dismissal if they let me go while pregnant. So they waited until I returned, which meant I only had two weeks to find new employment. Did I mention I also hate the selfishness of corporations?
I think senior lawyers forget what it’s like to be a wage slave. Their total yearly hours are all that matters and they have some latitude as to when they actually do it – and the more senior you are, the more latitude you have. If lawyers get sick, they can go home - without asking anyone’s permission, which I’ve always felt is a demeaning thing for any adult to have to do. They don’t remember what it’s like to be 43 years old and have to beg to leave early because you feel like you’re going to either pass out or hurl. If a close relative is taken ill, or dies, they can take time off without anyone questioning them too quickly about the date of their return. They have the peace of mind of knowing that if their family needs them, they can be there. Now me - let's say my dad died tomorrow; I'd get 3 days. No matter where I had to travel, no matter what kind of help my mom needed - 3 days, that's it.
One day last week, the law clerk asked if she could work through her lunch and leave an hour early as her son had an out-of-town hockey game. She was told no, and got the “we’re a little concerned” speech. Now she’s freaking out because her probation period is not yet up and she’s wondering if they will let her go. And all because her kids, and then she, got the flu. In the middle of flu season - how inconsiderate.
As I was lying around all weekend, I wondered if this simply comes down to money. Maybe if I wasn’t still being paid when I’m out sick, it wouldn’t be such a big deal. I would rather forgo my sick days altogether and be responsible for myself. I’d rather deal with losing a day’s pay than deal with my boss’s criticism. I can’t decide if that’s a sadder commentary on my personality or the corporate environment in general. But as a motivational episode, the tension of the last two weeks will go a long way in keeping me focused on my goal to write myself a new career. Two years, 10 months and counting…
Monday, November 30, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
How Do You Slow Down? That Is The Question
It’s time to slow down when you find yourself staring enviously at your pet turtle, wishing you had a shell to crawl into. And that heat lamp looks nice too.
I went to my doctor last week to have my blood pressure checked. I'd been having spells of light-headedness, so I thought it might be high blood pressure, which runs in my family, or low sugar. As it turned out, it was neither. My doctor said my blood pressure was spot on, and all my blood work was in fine form as well. So we started talking, and after 20 minutes of discussing my job and family, it was her opinion that the only thing wrong with me is that I'm bat-blind exhausted. It was her strong suggestion that I stop pushing myself and find a way to slow down, before health problems actually begin.
Slow down. Say, what a fine idea - why didn't I think of that? I think I'll cut back to a 3 day work week. Then I'll hire a maid to help keep the house in order. I'll get the kids to help out more. And finally I'll ask my husband to spend more time at home so we can have a more equal share of the household responsibilities.
And then I'll grow wings and fly to Bermuda.
How do you slow down when your responsibilities keep you working from 7:30 a.m. to 9:00 p.m.? Some days I have as little as 2 hour’s downtime in a 16 hour period. The real problem here is that none of my doctor’s solutions are under my control, so I can’t just go ahead and make them. I need the agreement and co-operation of others, and experience dictates I’m not likely to get it. Not without a fight anyway, which is where my people-pleasing side always drops the ball.
Work less. This would be great, but I am the only secretary in a small law firm - if I'm not there, nobody's there. My bosses are not going to be thrilled with my asking to shorten my work days, especially since they made it clear during the interview process that this was not a part-time position. My only option for fewer hours may be to look for another position, and that will cause my salary to plummet.
Hire a maid. Might have been doable, I was actually going to look into having someone come in twice a month after Christmas. But if I take a cut in pay to change my hours, then that won’t happen.
Have my family help more. You would think this would be the easiest change to make, but the rest of them have no reason to make any changes since they are perfectly happy with the way things are, so this will be another battle. My girls were always ready to do their chores and help me out in their younger days, but they are older now, with better things to do. Now they spend the whole night arguing about who made which mess and who should clean it up. Anyone who has siblings is probably thinking, "Ya, so what’s your point?" But I have no siblings. I never had to share, or compete for my parents' attention. No-one was reading my diary or stealing my clothes. My house was pretty quiet until the teen years, and I really didn’t fight with my parents that much, mostly because I was too risk-adverse to get into much trouble. (Ok, I was a gutless wimp totally intimidated by “Authority.”) All this arguing and pushing everyone to do what they're told every day drives both myself and my husband (another only child) completely batty. Who cares who left the plate on the table? Pick it up!!
My hubby is sympathetic, but totally focused on his business that he’s dreamed of having for 20 years and most nights comes home after 7:00 p.m., which leaves me with dinner, cleanup, baths, homework, laundry and every other little thing that comes with having four kids. Plus, he doesn't drive, so no matter how tired I am or how many chores there are, if there's any running around to do that can’t be put off, I have to do it. We live in a small rental bungalow with no finished basement and are all in each other's face all the time. That's why I only write late at night, because between 6:00 p.m. and 11: p.m. I'm in the same room as four kids and a TV. There's just nowhere else to go unless I want to sit on my bed all night. For someone like me who needs to be alone in silence to recharge, it's just a nightmare of overstimulation at times.
An exhaustion-inducing environment, to say the least. I have not yet asked my employer about changing my hours because she’s too busy to talk to me (not a good sign). I am trying to make lists for the kids to remind them of their chores, but am so tired I keep blanking out when I try to think of things to write down. Lately I’ve been too exhausted to keep on top of them and enforce the rules - hell, half the time I'm so unfocused I can't even remember what the rules are.
I am stuck in the house this weekend, sick with a nasty chest cold – good time to think about all this and decide on what my course of action should be. I can even get the kids chore lists made, if I can remember what I want to put on them. And once more read my affirmations on standing up for myself so I can make these changes before I am too tired to stand.
Oh, and the dizzy spells? Turned out to be dehydration. Apparently I am so busy I am forgetting to drink. I'll have to work on that.
I went to my doctor last week to have my blood pressure checked. I'd been having spells of light-headedness, so I thought it might be high blood pressure, which runs in my family, or low sugar. As it turned out, it was neither. My doctor said my blood pressure was spot on, and all my blood work was in fine form as well. So we started talking, and after 20 minutes of discussing my job and family, it was her opinion that the only thing wrong with me is that I'm bat-blind exhausted. It was her strong suggestion that I stop pushing myself and find a way to slow down, before health problems actually begin.
Slow down. Say, what a fine idea - why didn't I think of that? I think I'll cut back to a 3 day work week. Then I'll hire a maid to help keep the house in order. I'll get the kids to help out more. And finally I'll ask my husband to spend more time at home so we can have a more equal share of the household responsibilities.
And then I'll grow wings and fly to Bermuda.
How do you slow down when your responsibilities keep you working from 7:30 a.m. to 9:00 p.m.? Some days I have as little as 2 hour’s downtime in a 16 hour period. The real problem here is that none of my doctor’s solutions are under my control, so I can’t just go ahead and make them. I need the agreement and co-operation of others, and experience dictates I’m not likely to get it. Not without a fight anyway, which is where my people-pleasing side always drops the ball.
Work less. This would be great, but I am the only secretary in a small law firm - if I'm not there, nobody's there. My bosses are not going to be thrilled with my asking to shorten my work days, especially since they made it clear during the interview process that this was not a part-time position. My only option for fewer hours may be to look for another position, and that will cause my salary to plummet.
Hire a maid. Might have been doable, I was actually going to look into having someone come in twice a month after Christmas. But if I take a cut in pay to change my hours, then that won’t happen.
Have my family help more. You would think this would be the easiest change to make, but the rest of them have no reason to make any changes since they are perfectly happy with the way things are, so this will be another battle. My girls were always ready to do their chores and help me out in their younger days, but they are older now, with better things to do. Now they spend the whole night arguing about who made which mess and who should clean it up. Anyone who has siblings is probably thinking, "Ya, so what’s your point?" But I have no siblings. I never had to share, or compete for my parents' attention. No-one was reading my diary or stealing my clothes. My house was pretty quiet until the teen years, and I really didn’t fight with my parents that much, mostly because I was too risk-adverse to get into much trouble. (Ok, I was a gutless wimp totally intimidated by “Authority.”) All this arguing and pushing everyone to do what they're told every day drives both myself and my husband (another only child) completely batty. Who cares who left the plate on the table? Pick it up!!
My hubby is sympathetic, but totally focused on his business that he’s dreamed of having for 20 years and most nights comes home after 7:00 p.m., which leaves me with dinner, cleanup, baths, homework, laundry and every other little thing that comes with having four kids. Plus, he doesn't drive, so no matter how tired I am or how many chores there are, if there's any running around to do that can’t be put off, I have to do it. We live in a small rental bungalow with no finished basement and are all in each other's face all the time. That's why I only write late at night, because between 6:00 p.m. and 11: p.m. I'm in the same room as four kids and a TV. There's just nowhere else to go unless I want to sit on my bed all night. For someone like me who needs to be alone in silence to recharge, it's just a nightmare of overstimulation at times.
An exhaustion-inducing environment, to say the least. I have not yet asked my employer about changing my hours because she’s too busy to talk to me (not a good sign). I am trying to make lists for the kids to remind them of their chores, but am so tired I keep blanking out when I try to think of things to write down. Lately I’ve been too exhausted to keep on top of them and enforce the rules - hell, half the time I'm so unfocused I can't even remember what the rules are.
I am stuck in the house this weekend, sick with a nasty chest cold – good time to think about all this and decide on what my course of action should be. I can even get the kids chore lists made, if I can remember what I want to put on them. And once more read my affirmations on standing up for myself so I can make these changes before I am too tired to stand.
Oh, and the dizzy spells? Turned out to be dehydration. Apparently I am so busy I am forgetting to drink. I'll have to work on that.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Lily Tomlin Gets It
I just finished reading The Lazy Person's Guide to Success by Ernie J. Zelinski. He is a bestselling author and professional speaker/consultant who promotes the idea of working less to achieve more balance in your life. Anyone who is tired, harassed, overworked and unhappy with their job and/or the way their personal life is going, should read any of Mr. Zelinski's works. I specifically recommend The Joy of Not Working in addition to the above. This man puts into words how I have felt my whole life.
Mr. Zelinski includes in his book the following quote from Lily Tomlin: "If I had known what it would be like to have it all, I might have been willing to settle for less."
You're preaching to the choir, honey.
It has been 97 years since women marched for the vote in New York, and 60 years since they first protested for their right to work outside the home and build a life that included more than being a wife and mother. Thanks to those pioneers of equal rights, few North American women today can even conceive of a world where they could not work, vote, file for divorce or expect protection from spousal abuse. The feminist movement accomplished many laudatory goals that furthered the educational and economic opportunities for women, and today we live a life of unprecedented freedom of choice as a result. However, the downside of all this freedom is that now both sexes are so busy earning a living and building a career, hardly any of them have the time to raise their families or run their homes the way they want. In addition, the surging debt of the last twenty years has had the ironic effect of ensuring that most women now have no choice about working again – but this time it’s that they have to, even if they want to stay home.
Every woman should have the freedom to choose what is best for themselves and their family, but I believe that if those two goals clash, then what is best for her should come first. As the saying goes, "if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." If a woman stays home when she doesn't want to, she'll be miserable and will take it out on her family. If a woman goes to work when she wants to be home, she will be miserable AND exhausted, and filled with guilt for not being there for her kids. You have to do what's right for YOU, and ignore other people's advice because only you know what is right for you. But, you have to have maneuvering room to make the decision in the first place, and debt often cancels that out. I could work part time right now if I wasn't paying back a 5 year consolidation loan - I have 3 years to go. If I had kept my expenses down and not incurred more debt, I would be free to work part time and spend more time with my kids right now, and work on my writing in my spare time. But one bad financial decision has cost me my freedom to make that choice.
Now anyone reading this who knows my history will be wondering about now why I am glorifying staying home with the kids when I myself had a mini-nervous breakdown and ran out on my family after doing just that. Again, it comes down to balance. I spent six years as a homemaker, and in the beginning I loved it. I was so happy to be at home and I did not miss my job at all. I loved spending the day with my girls. The mistake I made was not making sure I had enough balance in my life. I have never been a very social person, preferring the company of one or two people to a crowd, and spend most of my time alone, but everyone needs a social outlet of some kind. Sitting in the house with the kids was ALL I did. I had only one friend who lived a 40 minute drive away, a handful of local acquaintances, no clubs, hobbies or activities to give me a creative outlet, and very little help from my husband, who worked long hours at a job two hours away and unfortunately did not understand my temperament at all. He got all the socializing he needed at work, and by the time he got home was too tired to do anything but watch TV or go to the basement to work on his computer. We hardly spent any time together. I fell into a depression that I was unable to shake, and finally just ran, leaving everything behind.
Very drastic, yes, but in a strange twist of circumstance this irrational act put me back on track to finding myself. It was the first time in my life I defied authority and the rules and did something fully in response to my needs at the time. For the first time in my life I was listening to my own voice. Unemployed for six years with no money of my own, I spent three months living in a shelter for homeless and indigent women. For those three months I lived in a single room with nothing but a bed, dresser, and one suitcase of clothes. I ate in the cafeteria (two meals a day, $10 a week) and started working again at my old temp agency making a grand total of $1,500.00 a month. Many women would have become even more depressed at finding themselves in such circumstances, but a funny thing happened. I discovered I loved living that way – no possessions, no responsibilities, and best of all, no-one else’s expectations of who and what I was supposed to be weighing me down. I had never had such an opportunity to spend time with myself before, and I had never felt so free.
To make a long story short, I spent the last five years re-starting my career, making a home for my girls, remarrying (this time to a guy who sees the world as I do), and reading every self-help/psychoanalysis/find yourself book I could get my hands on. I now have a much better understanding of the kind of person I am, and I am not interested in having it all. I don’t give a flying rat’s patootie about money, beyond my ability to pay for food and shelter. I think spending 30+ years at a job you hate just so you can FINALLY enjoy 15 years or so of retirement is a huge waste of time. For one thing, there’s no guarantee I will live that long. I think it’s better to enjoy my life NOW and let the future take care of itself. I keep my expenses to a minimum and have set myself a three year goal of being able to make enough money with my writing to support myself.
This lifestyle isn’t for everyone, but that’s the point. Each of us has to figure out what “having it all” means to us, and ignore society’s definition, or what the advertisers tell us we’re supposed to want. My having it all means having the freedom to pursue my creative outlet while being a strong presence for my children. And I can’t do that if I’m sitting at a desk 40+ hours a week. It’s time to move on, and I am working on making it happen. One day at a time.
Mr. Zelinski includes in his book the following quote from Lily Tomlin: "If I had known what it would be like to have it all, I might have been willing to settle for less."
You're preaching to the choir, honey.
It has been 97 years since women marched for the vote in New York, and 60 years since they first protested for their right to work outside the home and build a life that included more than being a wife and mother. Thanks to those pioneers of equal rights, few North American women today can even conceive of a world where they could not work, vote, file for divorce or expect protection from spousal abuse. The feminist movement accomplished many laudatory goals that furthered the educational and economic opportunities for women, and today we live a life of unprecedented freedom of choice as a result. However, the downside of all this freedom is that now both sexes are so busy earning a living and building a career, hardly any of them have the time to raise their families or run their homes the way they want. In addition, the surging debt of the last twenty years has had the ironic effect of ensuring that most women now have no choice about working again – but this time it’s that they have to, even if they want to stay home.
Every woman should have the freedom to choose what is best for themselves and their family, but I believe that if those two goals clash, then what is best for her should come first. As the saying goes, "if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." If a woman stays home when she doesn't want to, she'll be miserable and will take it out on her family. If a woman goes to work when she wants to be home, she will be miserable AND exhausted, and filled with guilt for not being there for her kids. You have to do what's right for YOU, and ignore other people's advice because only you know what is right for you. But, you have to have maneuvering room to make the decision in the first place, and debt often cancels that out. I could work part time right now if I wasn't paying back a 5 year consolidation loan - I have 3 years to go. If I had kept my expenses down and not incurred more debt, I would be free to work part time and spend more time with my kids right now, and work on my writing in my spare time. But one bad financial decision has cost me my freedom to make that choice.
Now anyone reading this who knows my history will be wondering about now why I am glorifying staying home with the kids when I myself had a mini-nervous breakdown and ran out on my family after doing just that. Again, it comes down to balance. I spent six years as a homemaker, and in the beginning I loved it. I was so happy to be at home and I did not miss my job at all. I loved spending the day with my girls. The mistake I made was not making sure I had enough balance in my life. I have never been a very social person, preferring the company of one or two people to a crowd, and spend most of my time alone, but everyone needs a social outlet of some kind. Sitting in the house with the kids was ALL I did. I had only one friend who lived a 40 minute drive away, a handful of local acquaintances, no clubs, hobbies or activities to give me a creative outlet, and very little help from my husband, who worked long hours at a job two hours away and unfortunately did not understand my temperament at all. He got all the socializing he needed at work, and by the time he got home was too tired to do anything but watch TV or go to the basement to work on his computer. We hardly spent any time together. I fell into a depression that I was unable to shake, and finally just ran, leaving everything behind.
Very drastic, yes, but in a strange twist of circumstance this irrational act put me back on track to finding myself. It was the first time in my life I defied authority and the rules and did something fully in response to my needs at the time. For the first time in my life I was listening to my own voice. Unemployed for six years with no money of my own, I spent three months living in a shelter for homeless and indigent women. For those three months I lived in a single room with nothing but a bed, dresser, and one suitcase of clothes. I ate in the cafeteria (two meals a day, $10 a week) and started working again at my old temp agency making a grand total of $1,500.00 a month. Many women would have become even more depressed at finding themselves in such circumstances, but a funny thing happened. I discovered I loved living that way – no possessions, no responsibilities, and best of all, no-one else’s expectations of who and what I was supposed to be weighing me down. I had never had such an opportunity to spend time with myself before, and I had never felt so free.
To make a long story short, I spent the last five years re-starting my career, making a home for my girls, remarrying (this time to a guy who sees the world as I do), and reading every self-help/psychoanalysis/find yourself book I could get my hands on. I now have a much better understanding of the kind of person I am, and I am not interested in having it all. I don’t give a flying rat’s patootie about money, beyond my ability to pay for food and shelter. I think spending 30+ years at a job you hate just so you can FINALLY enjoy 15 years or so of retirement is a huge waste of time. For one thing, there’s no guarantee I will live that long. I think it’s better to enjoy my life NOW and let the future take care of itself. I keep my expenses to a minimum and have set myself a three year goal of being able to make enough money with my writing to support myself.
This lifestyle isn’t for everyone, but that’s the point. Each of us has to figure out what “having it all” means to us, and ignore society’s definition, or what the advertisers tell us we’re supposed to want. My having it all means having the freedom to pursue my creative outlet while being a strong presence for my children. And I can’t do that if I’m sitting at a desk 40+ hours a week. It’s time to move on, and I am working on making it happen. One day at a time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)